All Encompassing Disaster Recovery Script

-- Disaster Recovery Script
--
-- Script to handle any type of disaster that might befall 
-- a SQL Server database
--

declare @disaster varchar(50)
	, @reporter varchar(50)
	, @timetorecover int
	, @action = varchar(2000)
	, @dbaffected varchar(50)
	, @tableaffected varchar(50)
	, @return int

select @reporter = caller
	, @disaster = problemreported
 from DBAPhoneQueue

if @disaster = 'slow performance'
 begin
	set @action = 'The database server is fine, we suggest you contact the Network Administrator.'
   return
 end

if @disaster = 'data deleted'
 begin
	-- Check for a single table
	if ( select count( numberoftables) 
			from DBAPhoneQueueDetails
		) = 1
	 begin
		-- VIP reporting issue
		if (select role from HRDB.dbo.Employee
				where employeename = @reporter
			) >= 'Director'
		 begin
			exec @return = RestoreLastBackupOnSpareServer @dbaffected, @tableaffected
			If  @return = 0
				exec NotifyCallerOfRestore @reporter, 'Successful Restore'
			else
			 begin
				exec UpdateResume
				exec DisperseResumeToHeadHunters
				exec NotifyCallerOfRestore @reporter, 'We are having issues with the restore'
			 end
       end
      else
	    begin
        exec NotifyCaller @reporter, 'We will get to this as soon as possible.'
	     waitfor delay '1:00:00'
		  exec PageDBAToStartRestore @dbaffected, @tableaffected, ''
	    end
     end
	 else
	  begin
		if datepart(hh, getdate()) > 15
			exec AutoOrderDinner @vendor='Pizza Vendor', @order='Long workday special'
		else 
			exec AutoOrderLunch @vendor='Sub Vendor', @order='Expensive Lunch Special'

		exec NotifyBoss @reporter, 'This user has affected production servers by deleting multiple tables of data'

		exec @return = RestoreLastBackupOnSpareServer @dbaffected, @tableaffected
      exec PageDBAToStartRestore @dbaffected, @tableaffected, 'Check Q, multiple tables affected.'
     end
 end

if @disaster = 'Server Crash'
 begin
	select @hardware = equipmentlist
	 from ServerInventory
	 where databasename = @dbaffected
	select @hardware = @hardware + top 2 items
	 from DBAWishList

	exec OrderNewHardware @hardware
	
	If (select DBALocation from PersonalTracker) = 'Game Room'
	 begin
		exec NotifyUsersofLongDelay @dbaffected
		waitfor delay '0:30:00'
      exec PageDBAToStartRestore @dbaffected, @tableaffected, 'After this game, you need to check on a server.'
	 end
	else if (select DBALocation from PersonalTracker) = 'Lunch'
	 begin
		exec NotifyUsersofReallyLongDelay @dbaffected
		waitfor delay '1:30:00'
      exec PageDBAToStartRestore @dbaffected, @tableaffected, 'Sorry to interrupt you lunch.'
	 end
	else 
	 begin
		exec NotifyUsersServerDownForDay @dbaffected
		waitfor delay '2:30:00'
      exec PageDBAToStartRestore @dbaffected, @tableaffected, 'DB not needed until tomorrow'
	 end

 end


if @disaster = 'Data Center Meltdown'
 begin
	exec UpdateResume
	exec DisperseResumeToHeadHunters
	exec SubmitAllExpenseReports @DBAOnCall
	exec NotifyManagement 'We are currently working on the restore and expect to have everything restored within a week.' 
	waitfor delay '1:00:00'
	exec PlaceBlameElsewhere @user='Random', @category='Annoying callers', @message='We have discovered that the person named below is responsible for the data center issues.'
	exec InfiniteLoopQuery 'The database is still being restored'
	exec LeaveWithAllPersonalBelongings
 end